Breaking the silence to say: ‘I’m not just my depression’

For years Cambridge city councillor Alex Collis didn’t speak about her mental health issues, instead throwing herself into volunteering to manage her struggles.

But now the 45-year-old has spoken out about the dark days to encourage others to open up as part of Time to Talk Day.

“I always say it started with my dad’s sudden death eight years ago, but in reality I think it was much earlier than that but I just didn’t have the language or confidence to talk about how I was feeling,” she told the Cambridge Independent.

Alex grew up in a large family where she was a middle child of six sisters, including two sets of twins, and she felt hidden away.

“I was always very self-conscious and anxious,” she said. “I always put it down to being a bit awkward.”

At 17, Alex went into the high-pressure environment of Oxford University and “just got on with it”, despite inwardly struggling.

But her world was turned upside down when her dad died from a heart attack in August 2011.

“He lived in Wales and was on his own when he died, so I had some quite difficult feelings about that,” said Alex, who was by then living in Cambridge. “That was really hard not knowing whether it had been quick or not.”

Despite coping in the days after his death, things changed after his funeral.

“I was physically exhausted and went into hibernation for a good six months. I didn’t want to do anything,” she said. “I chucked in my PhD. It just seemed pointless, but I felt guilty because I knew how proud he was.

“I was sleeping a lot. I certainly didn’t talk about how I felt.”

She continued: “If I was having a bad day, getting up and having a shower or making breakfast was an achievement.

“There was one particular friend who would hammer on the door until I got up and would take me around to her house,” a tearful Alex explained. “I would lay on her sofa and she would feed me and bring me back round again, just so I wasn’t in the house on my own all day.

“Depression will make you feel guilty for not achieving what you think you should achieve. You tell yourself ‘well, I should be able to do what everyone else does’, asking yourself ‘why can’t I manage?’”

The depression crept up on Alex, and it took her several years to recognise the cycles and patterns for what they were. She was then able to get help.

“The smallest things can trigger an episode,” she said, such as not getting a job she had applied for.

She continued: “I did a couple of sponsored walks in aid of the British Heart Foundation. I remember during one of them walking into one of the rest stops and they had a packet of fig roll biscuits, which my dad really liked and that completely set me off. I had to sit there for about an hour. I literally couldn’t move, totally unexpectedly.”

But Alex, who is a funeral celebrant, found community and support in volunteering which helped her cope with her depression.

“My best coping mechanism was volunteering. That really helped. I went into it for quite selfish reasons, but I got lots of unexpected benefits out of it, like a community of people.

“It has led me to lots of opportunities that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. I probably wouldn’t be a councillor if it wasn’t for volunteering,” she said.

A mum-of-one, Alex still struggles some days and has suffered a number of blows in recent years, like being made redundant on her 40th birthday.

“I’ve felt guilty for the positives and new opportunities my dad’s death has brought – the friends, skills, jobs. That’s still hard to come to terms with. I feel guilty that I’m not sad enough, which can send me into a depressive spiral. At least now I can recognise the signs. I’m still not good at talking. I still find it difficult. Asking for help is a big no-no when depression has the upper hand.

“I’ve grown very skilled at outwardly putting on a good show. We can’t always take it at face value because someone looks OK or says ‘I’m fine’ that they are. Often they’re saying that because they think that’s what people want to hear. You just have to be aware and talk about it. That’s why talking is so important. I’m still not very good at it, but I’m doing it more than I used to.

“I’m not just my depression, I’m lots of other things. There will be more dark days, but I’m better equipped to see them coming and to deal with them.”

Time to Talk Day was held on February 6. It was the chance for people to be more open about mental health issues – to talk, to listen, to change lives.