Emilie Silverwood-Cope: On a scale of 1 to 10, how good is your parent WhatsApp game?
If you’ve got school-aged children and a smartphone, chances are you’re in the class WhatsApp Group (caveat: unless you are male parent, which is an effective immunity to school admin).
Many people deride these groups, but not me. I remember life before them when the entire class would be emailed by the unfortunate ‘class rep’. Between getting emails about second-hand uniform sales and World Book Day would be an email from a parent desperately asking (again) to be removed from the interminable email chain. Before emails there was nothing because World Book Day hadn’t been invented and parents didn’t care whether their children were happy at school.
Now things are different. We care immensely and the class WhatsApp group is where every single one of these cares gets discussed.
Recently a couple wound up getting arrested and the class WhatsApp group was one piece of the non-evidence used against them. So, on a scale of one (lurker) to 10 (getting arrested for malicious communications), how is your parent WhatsApp game?
It’s your love-hate relationship
If you’ve ever needed to know about an inset day (it’s tomorrow), teacher collection, sport’s day (day after tomorrow), head lice (always), non uniform day, uniform sales, uniform changes, foreign language week, World Book Day, residentials, school play, parents evening, new starters, leavers, the big project (due tomorrow), PTA Friday, PTA breakfast, PTA recruits, PTA fallouts.. then the WhatsApp group has got you covered. Sure your phone will be busier than JD Vance’s but at least you won’t take your child to school on an inset day.
‘Has anyone seen...’ lost property
Posting about your child’s lost property wastes your time, our time and is an affront to the very meaning of time because much like in space, no one can hear you scream when your child has lost 80 per cent of their brand new uniform. By all means, try asking in the WhatsApp group if it makes you feel better, however, I have been in at least 400 parent groups and not once has a reply to “Has anyone seen Jake’s jumper?” been “Yes”.
The breakaway group
There are some cool mums who are simply too cool for the class WhatsApp group so go off and create a roped off VIP area – known as a breakaway WhatsApp group. The main purpose of this group is to laugh at what is going on in the main group. It’s a great day all round when someone from the breakaway group accidentally posts in the main group, and makes a lovely change from ignoring posts about lost property.
‘Can I just ask…’ School politics has entered the chat
Nothing escalates faster than a post asking about a seemingly benign issue. What begins as a “Does anyone else think…” inquiry about school lunchtime being moved by 15 minutes ends with a march on the school office and threats of Ofsted. One teacher told me his school was regularly presented with the results of WhatsApp polls where parents had voted on some teeny aspects of school life. Teachers are not always right and parents are not always right but I will happily bet a vast sum of money that the class WhatsApp group has not resolved a single one of these issues.
Actual politics
What social media started, WhatsApp is gamely continuing. The divisive discourse of our troubled times all too easily spills over. One parent told me she had to delete upsetting images of war shared to the parent group. Another said someone sharing a petition had kicked off a four-day argument. People seem to think a shared WhatsApp group means shared politics. Stick to arguing about the next most controversial issue is my advice (obviously I mean parking).
Stealth boasting
We are all fluent in the stealth boasts like “Just wanted to check if it was just three sheets for maths homework tonight because it seemed very easy and didn’t take any time to finish at all”. If you’re prone to using WhatsApp to show off about your child just know you’ve succeeded in uniting 30 parents and they’ve all just done a collective eye roll.
Le Flounce
When the lost property, passive aggressive posts about homework, parking conflicts and whatsapp polls on school dinners get all too much you can always flounce. Leaving the class WhatsApp group is always perceived as a flounce, so make the most of it.
*Emilie has left this chat group.
Read more Parenting Truths from Emilie Silverwood-Cope every month in the Cambridge Independent.
